Honest Expression - 4 step model - OFNR

The 4 step model is a core part of Nonviolent Communication and is also known as OFNR (Observation, Feeling, Need, Request).

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For EXAMPLE

Instead of saying “You never listen to me”

I can say...

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"When I see you looking at your cellphone when I’m speaking (observation)

I feel a bit sad and discouraged (feeling)

because I need connection (need)

and wondering if you would be open to talking right now (request)

OR

perhaps there is something going on that you would like to share with me?" (request)

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Conflict is not bad.

People come with different ideas, different strategies and different needs.
There is variety in the world.
There is diversity in the world.
Conflict is an inevitable part of life.
Let’s embrace the variety, celebrate the diversity and accept conflict as an opportunity to understand, grow and expand.

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Many of those coming to NVC have a strong need for peace and harmony in our lives.

These needs are so strong that we suppress and dismiss other needs for the goal of togetherness and connection.
Once I can name my feelings and needs I can use the 4 step model to express them in a connecting way.

Using feelings, and needs that are universal are most likely to be understood and relatable.
By noting observations without judgment and making SMART positive requests will reduce the chance of disconnection.

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The 4 step model is the classic structure to start with.

The 4 step model is great for training - like training wheels to be used to master the skill of clearly discern and recalling between OFNR observations, feelings, needs, requests. And thoughts of course! :)

It's likely to take over 150 hours of coursework and practice to feel confident.

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The vision is to remove the training wheels and to eventually practice street giraffe/NVC without the formula. Embedding NVC consciousness and knowing to adapt for those who do not have/want to communicate in that form.

This vision meets a need for accepting others where they are, inclusion, flexibility and connection.

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Two tips

• Be careful practicing the formula with your dearest relationships – over the years I’ve heard a lot of students saying they received feedback that they are “too robotic” and were asked to “talk normally”. Speaking with the formula ended up backfiring and created disconnection because they were more interested in using the tool than do what is most connecting with people who are not "NVC-oriented". Practice the 4 step model in the NVC community first and then with people who are less close, strangers, acquaintances, workmates, friends, and only finally use it with your most important relationships.

• Start with post analysis – begin with understanding the feelings and needs of myself and others AFTER the misunderstandings and conflict situations. Journal or involve an empathy buddy/group for help if needed.
  As we get better at identifying feelings and needs and begin to recognize returning patterns, we can gradually apply this awareness to real-time situations. Every time I make a mistake it is an opportunity for me to recognize a pattern of feelings and needs.