Request vs Demand

Both requests and demands are a suggestion of a strategy.
Both are vulnerable at some level because I am exposing a need.

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​Request is suggesting a strategy with an energy that is open/accepting to hear a “no”
implicitly understanding that there are many strategies to meet my need​​

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Demand comes with an expectation that there will be a yes
Demand has an attachment to a specific outcome
Demand is conditional

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For example:
“Can I borrow your phone charger?”
“Can I borrow your phone charger?”

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Is that a request or a demand? 
Whether its a request or a demand is subjective
The perspective of who is making the request might be different from the one hearing it

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From the perspective of the one making the request

 

How will i respond if i hear “no i need my phone charger”?

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If i get angry or sad then there was a demand in there.

I must have had some expectations/judgments such as “ don’t you care about me?” or “don’t you trust me?” or “our relationship is better than that”

 

If i was open to accepting a “no” - move easily into thinking of another way of getting my need met - such as ask someone else or just accept the fact that my phone will no be working until i get to a charger.

 

More often than not I make a request without realizing that I will not accept a “no” until I actually hear the “no” and then I become surprised and sometimes angry.

 

This is an invitation for myself to become more self-connected and increase my awareness (which I need plenty of).

One way of doing so is connecting with myself BEFORE making a request and align my expectations with my energy.

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From the perspective of the one receiving the request

 

"Can I borrow your phone charger?”

Request or demand?

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If I think they will get upset if I say “no” and I fear for our connection which I need and feel attached to - there is a demand in there.
If I do not care for the person or for our relationship OR if I feel very secure in our relationship and a phone charger will not get in between us, then it’s a request.
A request can sound like a demand even if the person making the request was ok with hearing a “no”.​​

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Tips for making requests

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• Self connect before making a request = How attached I am to the strategy?

• Name my need. Discern between my need and my strategy

• Imagine alternatives in case i receive a “no”

• Notice the energy in the wording of the request = how easy would it be for someone to say "no"?

• Consider acknowledging in the request that the person has a choice and I’m OK with such a choice. 
   

Eg: “If by any chance you are not using you phone charger i was wondering if i could use it for a while - otherwise no worries i can ask John or wait until i get home”

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Demands are not bad - they can be disconnecting​

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Requests can be the start of a dialogue, demand is rarely a start of a dialogue
Requests prioritize values of flexibility, openness mutual freedom and choice
Demands prioritize structure, clarity, safety - often in a “boundary setting" way which are sometimes necessary.

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Reassurance: mastery of this skill is daunting - I can not change all at once - start with small steps, sporadically gain momentum