Mourning

 

Mourning = to welcome unpleasant feelings and sensations

eg: sadness, pain, contraction

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Mourning = loss/end of something I was attached to

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small mournings:

I ate too much

conversation did not go well

I missed my bus

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medium mournings:

canceled vacation due to sickness

studied 3 months failed an exam

big conflict with a friend, sibling

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large mournings:

death of a loved one

partner ended our relationship

lost my job

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Natural tendency or habit to try to avoid unpleasantness

Avoidance = a fear that the pain will last forever and it will overwhelm me

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Second degree suffering = when judgmental thoughts arise about my unpleasantness

such as “I should solve this”

or “something is wrong with me”,

or “how do I get rid of this feeling”,

or “I should be enjoying myself right now”

then it creates even more suffering and extends the mourning period.

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Instead of avoiding and/or judging the unpleasantness

Empathic skill = embrace the sadness

 

How do I embrace/mourn?

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• Responding with calmness

• Not resisting

• Give space

• Do not need to do anything

• Allow the movement within

• Notice the small movements/changes within me nonjudgmentally

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When I acknowledge/name what is in me it starts to move

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Mourning as a part of a lager grief process towards acceptance

 

According to the 5 stages of grief - Kübler-Ross model:

Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression/Mourning -> Acceptance

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There is no clear order between the stages – I could jump from Denial to Anger to Morning back to Bargaining etc…

Key is to meet myself where I am.

Notice my feelings, my needs.

Notice the strategies I am attached to.

Notice the judgments.

Notice my feelings and needs behind my judgments and strategies.

Gradually arrive into the land of pure needs.

 

Mourning can be exhausting – become aware of the moments that I am exhausted from mourning eg: chronic illnesses

take a break from mourning (by self-care, reframing) – with an understanding that re-engaging mourning is inevitable (not avoid)

 

Reframe mourning as:

• an opportunity to value/see the beauty of my needs (need to matter) - by Robert Gonzales

• a skill that I can get better at, increase the amount of time I can sit with unpleasantness (need for growth)

• an opportunity to connect with myself and other (need for connection)

• celebration of the impermanence of life (need for stability/understanding/acceptance)

• not as a bad as a more worse case scenario (need for gratitude)

• “life carries thru disaster” (need for life/vitality)

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Mourning = time needed to process/digest a new unpleasant change

Move from moments of mourning to moments of daily life to moment of re-framing back to moments of mourning.

Integrate the loss into the new me.

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Mourning connects us – mourning can bring us together, we are not alone in our experience of mourning​