What is guilt?

NVC says that guilt is NOT a feeling but a sign that I have judgment
Body sensation of collapsing, contraction
Mental spin: me me me

​

Guilt always comes with a judgment/thought about myself.
Eg:
“I did something wrong/bad”,
“I should have acted differently”
“I am obligated to do this”
"I failed."
“It’s my fault”

​

Common examples:

• Hurting someone else – eg: I got angry and said hurtful things, I forgot someone, I rejected someone, falling out of love, gossiping about others, pointing a flaw about a friend in front of others, etc...

• Breaking the rules – eg: I did something that my parents/society/religion would not approve of

• Not doing enough with others – eg: I should speak up, I should help my friend, I should call my mother more often

• When others are struggling – eg: Being healthy when a loved one is ill, Having money/love/friends when others do not

• Prioritizing myself – eg: I need a break/rest but feel guilt taking one, Spending money on myself

• Not doing enough for myself – eg: I should exercise, I am procrastinating

• Experiencing emotions – eg: I should not be angry, I should not feel relief after someones death, I should not feel jealous, I should not be attracted to this person

​

Guilt vs Shame
Guilt focuses on an action. Eg: “I did something bad”
Shame focuses on the inherent self-worth/identity. Eg: “I am a bad person”.
Shame is harder to overcome as it implies a fixedness, something that is less/not changeable
Guilt is more constructive when it comes with a belief that "I can change my actions/behavior".

​​

Guilt creates a greater barrier for connection

• Relationship: John cheated on Mary.

Mary is hurt from John cheating on her, she withdraws and needs empathy.
John feels guilty for cheating on Mary therefore withdraws from Mary and needs empathy.
Both withdraw from each other and require empathy before giving empathy to each other.

​

• Parent-child: Father hit son as a child.

Son is hurt from father’s parenting style and withdraws and needs empathy.
Father feels guilty for parenting style therefore withdraws from son and needs empathy.
Both withdraw from each other and require empathy before giving empathy to the other.

​

How to process guilt?

Find the feelings and needs behind:

1. Action - what were my feelings and needs behind what actually happened

2. Judgment - what are my my feelings and needs behind my judgment around what happened

​

Guilt to Regret
Guilt = thinking I did something wrong/judgment (bitter unpleasant feeling)
Regret = mourning the strategy I used. (sweet unpleasant)
Key skill here: differentiating between need and strategy
Identifying/Celebrating my need AND mourning my strategy.
Shift =accepting I would have preferred to use other strategies.
Regret/Sadness can lead me into connection/dialogue and healing.

​

Guilt to Responsibility
Guilt mostly focuses on the PAST: self-criticism, self-punishment, proving I am not bad. It feels stuck/fixed.
Guilt fuels inner conflict. 
Guilt can more often lead me to withdrawing and avoiding = it is more likely to be disconnecting.
Responsibility = awareness + mourning/regret
Responsibility focuses on MOVING FORWARD: taking ownership, learning and repair/connection.
Responsibility/Sadness is more likely to be connecting/bonding.

Letting go of regret/guilt
I allow myself to let go of the regret completely if I believe there is learning/growth.
If not I will harness the pain of regret and visit its unpleasantness until I am convinced I am changing.