Anger is not bad - anger is a valid feeling

In many cultures anger is not accepted/discouraged/judged
Many of us avoid anger – fear of becoming angry

Feeling Angry ≠ Acting out/Expressing Anger
The expression of anger could indeed harm people and is worth avoiding
Meanwhile feeling anger is an opportunity to discover my needs – indicator that something is not aligned
Try to not identify with my anger – I am not my anger
Try to tie anger to curousity – what is going on in me?

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When does anger arise?

Anger arises when an expectation of mine is not met
A feeling that almost always arises with anger, maybe just before anger is surprise/shock

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• The most common the need behind Anger is acknowledgment/recognition. The thought "this is important".
  Underneath the need for acknowledgment is usually the need “to matter/to be valued”.

 
Eg: “Answer me!”

Eg: "You are gas lighting me"

Eg: You are stonewalling me"

Eg: "You are ghosting me"

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• Anger is often part of the 5 stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, sadness, acceptance (Elisabeth Kübler-Ross)
  
  Eg: “When you stopped calling me, I became angry and distant. Underneath the anger, I was actually feeling sad because I really need connection and closeness.”

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Some consider anger as a secondary emotion – which means it comes with another emotion – the two most common examples are fear and shame:​

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• Fear​​
  Eg: “When you drove so fast in the rain, I got angry and yelled at you. Underneath the anger, I was actually feeling scared because I really need safety and reassurance.”​

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• Shame/Guilt
  Eg: "When you criticized my work, I got angry and defensive. Underneath the anger, I was actually feeling ashamed because I have a need for competence and wish I had done better.”​
  
  Another common reason for anger: is anger at myself = regret that I did not listen to myself and/or act on my gut/intuition.

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According to NVC )

NVC Language of Life, Chapter 10 – Expressing Anger Fully

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Distinguishing Stimulus From Cause
We are never angry because of what others say or do.
The cause of anger lies in our thinking—in thoughts of blame and judgment.

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Steps to expressing anger:
1. Stop. Breathe. – Detach with a connecting promise to return
2. Identify our judgmental thoughts.
3. Connect with our needs.
4. Express our feelings and unmet needs.

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How do I calm down when I am angry?

Strategies for regulating and Self-connection​

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How to receive anger?​

Receiving/hearing anger/a difficult message I can
1. Blame others – jackal out
2. Blame ourselves – jackal in
3. Sense our own feelings and needs – giraffe in
4. Sense others’ feelings and needs – giraffe out

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When giving empathy to someone angry it is important to​

• NOT dismiss anger (eg: stating it is a secondary emotion). Dismissing anger is likely to add more fuel to the fire.

• Acknowledge the anger and try to almost match their energy level. If I acknowledge calmly they might have a hard time believing that I understand them.​

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How can anger be helpful/useful?

• anger can be a release/catharsis

• anger is at least feeling something as opposed to passivity/numbness

• identifying an issue to explore more

• anger can give energy to change things eg: “I’ll show them”

• anger is a reminder that my needs are important → part of me thinks i am important → i matter

• anger can direct myself towards self-care = remind me to take a rest, treat myself