Art of being torn = it’s OK to not know.

When I do not know what to decide, I can use NVC to look at my needs.

I try to identify the needs that supports the YES and needs behind the NO.

This state of figuring it out is being torn. Torn between my needs.

The goal is not to solve the situation but to let go of the tenseness and stress by hearing/exploring the different parts/needs in me.

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How to use NVC to make a decision?​​

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decision = question that I can either say YES or NO to. For example

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small decisions:

shall I go out tonight or stay home?

do I call my Mom or do emails?

shall I run today or rest?

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medium decisions:

take this course or not?

where to go to next vacation?

shall I buy a new car or not?

do I take on this project?

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large decisions:

stay or leave a relationship?

shall I change a profession?

shall I stop working and travel around the world?
shall we have another baby?

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Conflicts are always on the strategy level.

Conflicts are never on the need level. Needs are abstract and can be met in many ways.

Strategies are specific - there are many many strategies.

We are limited by our ability to be creative and attachments to a specific strategies.

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Explore the needs behind my judgment

When I find myself splitting the world into right and wrong, good and bad, I want to see that moment not as a conclusion but as an opening to understanding more. Each judgment is a doorway to myself - toward a feeling and a need that is quietly asking for attention. Instead of tightening around the judgment, I stay with the tension of not knowing, letting the sharp edge of evaluation soften into curiosity: what is alive in me right now, and what is it longing for?

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This process

In this way, being torn is no longer something to resolve too quickly, but something to embrace - the conflict itself becomes a guide, revealing the deeper values and unmet needs that shape my experience

This process gives me agency, a sense of choice and allows me to take responsibility.

The process also gives clarity and acceptance as there is less of a chance of regret afterwards.

I am more aligned.