What is empathy? 

• Some say its a feeling – relating to another, feeling connected (similar) to what another is feeling.

• Some say its a need – to be understood, to be seen – when this need is met I feel relief, warmth, calmness.

• Some say empathy is an action/state/process between two people/parts of the self and is a trainable skill.

 

Empathy is all of those things – a feeling, a need and the action/process in between.

When a listener "gives empathy" = action.

The listener feels "empathy" = reliability/care/understanding.

The sharer who's need for empathy is met feels relief, warmth, more calmness.

 

Below we will discuss empathy as a trainable skill/tool to understand others or myself.

 

How do I give empathy?

There a spectrum:

1. Silent listening = active listening
    nonverbal gestures: eye contact, eyebrow movement, sounds of acknowledgment, etc.

    attentiveness - presence

2. Mirroring = restating what I heard using the same words.

3. Rephrasing = saying what I heard with other (a minimal change of) words. Includes a careful attention to word choice so to be non-evaluative

4. Guessing feelings and needs

Usually a dance between the four response types.

 

Principles of Guessing Feelings and Needs

1. Finish with a question mark-“?” – coming with an energy of curiosity is the difference between analyzing someone and giving them empathy. It is a deep sign of respect – “I do not know, I am just guessing, you are the master of your body”.

2. ‘There are no wrong guesses’ – the guess itself is there to show that I am curious and interested in understanding. Sometimes a wrong guess can invite more out of a person than when I get it a little right. I am coming from a place of “Please correct me, as I want to see you as you see yourself from the inside”

3. Stay with the last message, Stay with the NOW – Sometimes a lot will come out from someone we are listening to. Empathy is a gentle process of traveling into the jungle of the other person’s heart. I want to stay present. Not stuck in what was said 30 seconds ago. Focus on hearing the current message.

4. Guessing ≠ Open questions – I use both. Open questions tend to lead the speaker to explaining (head) while guessing feeling and needs is leading the attention to check inside (body/heart).

5. Focus – Empathy is to keep the spotlight on the speaker and not bring it back to the listener by telling a story of my own or giving advice or reassuring...

 

What is NOT empathy?

Advice is not empathy

• advice is trying to solve or fix the situation

• advice can be offering unrequested advice or suggestions 

  eg: “If I were you I’d go to a chiropractor”

• advice can be asking questions that are leading toward advice or suggestions 

  eg: “have you considered talking to him?”

  eg: “do you ever guess at his feelings and needs?

• advice can be offering an opinion, an analysis, commentary, intellectualizing or providing a life philosophy

• advice can be telling stories from my own life – that remind me when….

Giving someone advice can often create a disconnecting effect as the person who is opening up feels like they are being judged, or at the least a world of values is being put in front of them instead of being understood.

 

Advice is not bad. Some people actually want advice.

Sometimes giving empathy is MORE HELPFUL than giving advice.

The important thing here is ask for consent, to make sure if its connecting to give advice.

In my case, if they seem to be hesitant or say yes just to meet a need of connection then I take it as a ”not now please”.

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Agreeing is not empathy

eg: "yeah he was really mean to you" or "you are right"

When I agree I might be connecting at that moment but I am falling into judgment and grouping with the sharer against another group. This is polarizing in general. It will then be harder for me to understand and empathize other people in when I processed my feelings and needs and curious to understand/accept/find peace.

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Sympathy is not empathy

Sympathy in this case is to bring myself into the situation.

eg: "oh yeah, that hurts i know how that feels"

eg: "i hate it when that happens"

eg: “I’m so sad to hear you’re going through this”
eg: “poor thing” ← my evaluation (in this case pity)​

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Reassurance is not empathy

It is very tempting to console/comfort the other. say something positive, encouraging.

eg: “It is ok, don’t worry”

eg: “Everything happens for a reason”

eg: “Time heals all wounds”

eg: “When one door closes, another opens”

eg: “Something better is coming along”

eg: “This is actually a blessing in disguise”

eg: “They are in a better place” (in case of death)

eg: “It’s not your fault, you did the best you could”

eg: “You're strong...you'll be fine”

eg: “I'm proud of you”

eg: “You did the right thing”

eg: “I believe you can make it”

eg: “You are brave”

eg: “Everything that has happened doesn't make you a bad person.”

eg: “You don't need to blame yourself”

 

Consoling can also be shutting down:

“ You shouldn’t feel sad/stress…“

“ But look how beautiful, smart, and talented you are- don’t worry”

“ It is their problem that they can’t see your beauty”

“ Oh common, you are not the only one who suffers here…”

“ Cheer up, there is much worse in the world than that, see how many opportunities you’ve got”

 

It is not wrong to give reassurance at times.

The important thing here is to notice when I am giving reassurance and to ask if it is OK before offering any.

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Tips for empathy

• Keep in mind that I do not need to agree with what is said - even if it is factually wrong

• Keep in mind that I do not need to fully understand/remember the details - empathy can be about giving space to the other person.

• Empathy is an act of giving and connection NOT serving our own curiosity.

• When there is an internal reaction to what is being said.
         eg: While listening it reminds me of a similar story of mine and makes me feel sad.
         eg: I become critical or evaluative or angry about something that was said​

1. Acknowledge the emotions that come up.

2. Go back to staying present with the other person.

3. Lean into curiosity to help stay present.

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It's all about awareness

Advice, agreeing, sympathy, validation and reassurance are NOT bad or wrong, they identified because they can be disconnecting.

The skill is to increase my awareness to which communication type i’m using.

Over time, awareness will give me choice on how I would like to react and allow training myself towards alignment with my values.

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