When do I need empathy?

 

When I feel very emotional/ stimulated/ activated/ triggered.

Eg: I hear judgmental language or evaluative language that is not aligned with my values.

Eg: “Ethan is so full of himself”

Eg: “That is not my problem”

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Once my body is overcome by emotion I am no longer able to listen to others.

When I am activated I NEED empathy. I can not give empathy.

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If I try to listen to others when I am “too full” to listen or hold space for others, I end up repressing or dismissing what is inside me at that moment. I can decide that what’s coming up is “not appropriate” or “not allowed”.

 

When I am activated I often find myself moving into expression = acting out.

eg: When I am angry I raise my voice, stand up, possibly hit the table.

eg: When I am sad I can talk much less and distance myself from people.

 

Now this can make things difficult. If both people in a conversation are expressing/acting out at the same time = both people are in pain, both need to be heard = there is no one who is listening.

 

What to do once I’m aware I’m triggered?

1.  Acknowledge internally that I am triggered and make a request to myself – “I will express you later”.

2. Distance myself - ask for a “Time Out” or pause in the conversation as an act of CARE for the relationship.

3. Stay connected – suggest a specific time which I will come back
   eg: “I’m realizing I need to process this right now, can we continue the conversation in 20 min/ 2 hours/ after lunch?”

4. Get empathy – find a strategy to meet my need for empathy.

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For some self-empathy is used when there are isn’t anyone available/willing to listen to me.

For others it’s the first and foremost strategy to receive empathy (eg: need for self-reliance)

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What is self-empathy?

Connecting to my own feelings and needs.

1. Breath, put hand on body – embrace the unpleasant feelings (shock, anger, irritation, pain, fear). See where the feelings show up in my body.

2. 2. Allow my jackals to be jackals – jackals will lead me to my needs.

3. Identify my feelings.

4. Identify my needs.

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Possible strategies for self-empathy:

• Slow down, breath, connect to my own body - interrupt my stream of thought - which is often a pattern of worrying

• Movement - walk around the block, go for a run, go for a swim

• Journaling – free style, stream consciousness and then attempt to identify feelings and needs

• Self connection labyrinth - write down observation, all my judgements and then my feelings and needs

• Dance floor - cards on the floor and move from one to the other

• Observation, Feeling, Need, Request (OFNR) body-touch:

  • put my hand on head - to guess thoughts/judgments,

  • put hand on heart to guess emotions. take time to connect what i'm feeling.

  • put hand on gut/belly to guess needs.

• Drawing

• Guided meditation

• ChatGPT

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When self-empathy isn't working

• Parking lot - write down to visit later

• Sleep – try again after a nap/tomorrow

• Self care eg: taking a shower, listening to music, going for a massage

• Praying - eg: the Lord’s Prayer, the Serenity Prayer, the Beatitudes

• Seek for empathy from another person

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Who can I seek empathy from?

1. Empathy buddy/ Friend– someone available to listen to me empathically

2. Ask for empathy from the NVC community – FB groups or 24/7 Instant Empathy

3. Online forum/apps such as 7cups or Talklife

4. Mediation – a skilled third party who is not stimulated

5. Therapist

6. Crisis hot line