When do we need self-connection?

When I feel very emotional/ stimulated/ activated/ triggered.

Eg: I hear judgmental language or evaluative language that is not aligned with my values.

Eg: “That is not my problem”

Eg: “You are not reliable”

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Once my body is overcome by emotion I am no longer able to listen to others.

When I am activated.

I NEED empathy.

I can not give empathy.

 

A few different things can happen when I activated:

 

1. Suppress/dismiss/ignore myself - I push-on and try to listen to others when I am “too full”. I repressing or dismissing what is inside my. I can have thoughts that my reaction is “not appropriate” or “not allowed”.

2. I move into expression = acting out.

eg: When I am angry I might raise my voice, stand up, possibly hit the table.

eg: When I am sad I can talk much less and distance myself from people – having a lot of thoughts/self talk.

 

What needs are not met when I’m activated?

The need for connection with myself, I am not aligned with my needs.

The need for connection with another person, I am not ready/able to hear/hold space for another person.

 

In a conversion between two people, if both people are activated at the same time = both people are in pain, both need to be heard = there is no one who is listening.

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What to do once I’m aware I’m activated?

1. Acknowledging internally that I am triggered

2. Distance myself - ask for a “Time Out” or pause in the conversation as an act of CARE for the relationship.

3. Stay connected – suggest a specific time which I will come back

Eg: “I’m realizing I need to process this right now, can we continue the conversation in 20 min/ 2 hours/ after lunch?”

4. Self-connection

1. Regulate – tend directly to my body eg: breathing, body scan etc..

2. Get empathy

 

Strategies for regulating:

. slow long breaths

. scan/connect to my body sensations - embrace the unpleasant feelings (shock, anger, irritation, pain, fear)

. movement - walk around the block, go for a run, dance it out, shadow boxing, go for a swim etc
. meditation – unguided or guided

. interrupt my stream of thought eg: do something that requires focus AND/OR physically move somewhere else

. humming

. crying

. listen to music

. drawing

. play music, clay, knitting – any sort of artistic expression

 

And then get empathy...

For some self-empathy is used when there are isn’t anyone available/willing to listen to me.

For others it’s the first and foremost strategy to receive empathy (eg: need for self-reliance)

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What is self-empathy?

Connecting to my feelings and needs.

. OFNRJ touching my body:

. put my hand on head - to guess thoughts/judgments,

. put hand on heart to guess feeling. take time to connect with the feeling (eg: breath into it)

. put hand on gut/belly to guess needs.

. Journaling – free style, stream consciousness and then attempt to identify feelings and needs

– self connection labyrinth - write down observation, all my judgements and then my feelings and needs
. Audio recordings – voice notes – speak it out

. Dance floor - cards on the floor and move from one to the other

. Chat GPT

 

When self-empathy isn't working

. Parking lot - write down to visit later

. Self-care and rest

• Sleep – try again after a nap/tomorrow

• Taking a shower

• Go for some fresh air

• Eat/Drink some hot tea

• Listen to music

• Go for a massage

• Cuddle with my dog

• Comfort scrolling

. Praying 1) the Lord’s Prayer, (2) the Serenity Prayer, and (3) the Beatitudes, Freestyle Praying

. Seek for empathy from another person

 

Who can I seek empathy from?

1. Empathy buddy/ Friend– someone available to listen to me empathically

2. Ask for empathy from the NVC community – FB groups or 24/7 Instant Empathy

3. Online forum/apps such as 7cups or Talklife

4. Mediation – a skilled third party who is not stimulated

5. Therapist

6. Crisis hot line